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| When Rudi passed away, his wife
wrote his obituary praising him greatly for being such a fine husband and
father. Taking the 400 word plus tribute to the newspaper office she was
told it would cost $.50 per word with a $3 minimum......"OK," she said,
"just print ...'Rudi Anderson died, KAYAKS FOR
SALE.'"
Unknown Author
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The Top Ten Ways The Sport Would
Be Different If Microsoft Built Kayaks:
10. A particular model year of kayak
wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of
before.
9. Every time you wanted to try a
new paddle, you would have to buy a new kayak.
8. Occasionally your kayak would
stop dead in the water for no apparent cause. No amount of paddling would
budge it. You would have to tow it back to the launch site and restart
your kayak. For some strange reason, you would simply just accept
this.
7. Two people could not both paddle
your kayak unless you paid extra for a '95 kayak or NT kayak in which case
you would also have to buy an extra seat and expensive new
charts.
6. A sophisticated marketing blitz
would make you feel like a second-rate tasteless slacker for failing to
upgrade your kayak. OOPS -- wait a minute -- that's ALREADY
happening.
5. Sun Microsystem would make a
kayak with 70% less hull drag, half the weight, watertight in all
conditions and twice as stable. Unfortunately, it could be used on only 5%
of the existing rivers.
4.Your Microsoft kayak's compass,
weather radio, and sump pump would be replaced with a single "General
Kayak Fault" warning light.
3. The enthusiast press would get
people excited about the "new" features of Microsoft kayaks, forgetting
completely that they had been available in other brands for
years.
2. Microsoft's inconsiderable owners
manual would spawn a whole cottage industry of outsiders who would write
hundreds of books explaining how to paddle your Microsoft kayak.
Amazingly, we would buy all they printed.
1. If you wanted to go kayaking in a
group with your club members or friends (known as Network Kayaking).
EVERYONE in the group will have BUY special group kayaking accessories
however, only one member of the group (known as the kaysysop) would have
the foggiest notion of exactly what they did and no one else would be
permitted operate them.
Unknown Author
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| This is a kayak joke found on the Internet, I
just can't read it . . .
Ceritenye begini, ade sepasang laki bini nyang
ude berumah tangge selama lima taon, tapi belakangan ini si bini mulai
kerase kalo setiap kali lakinye nyetrum selalu kagak puas, abis "anu"
lakinye ude kagak oke kayak dulu lagi, letoy gitu.
Unknown Author
|
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker
were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says,
"The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you,
and then use your skins to build a kayak. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison."
The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and
drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The
chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says,"Gimme a
fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a
fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood
gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is
appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The New Yorker looks
at the chief and says, "So much for your f*-ing kayak!"
Unknown Author
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| The bartender Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da
difference between a Norvegian and a kayak?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A
kayak will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
Unknown Author
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|
While paddling off the Florida
coast, a tourist capsized his kayak. He could swim, but his fear of
alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old
beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any
gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been
around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely
toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid
of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the
beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Unknown Author
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When using a public campground, a tuba placed
on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side
vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking
his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed
in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works
almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best
backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of
those named for landfills.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been
popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded.
Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain
suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a
downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been
proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint
from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from
navel before applying the match.
You'll never be lost if you
remember that moss always grows on the north side of your
compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by
climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
The canoe
paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused
with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan
veterinarians.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It
gives you something to wipe your nose on.
Take this simple test to
see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If
the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods
alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a
pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent
side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent
hockey puck.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the
wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic
waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at
the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
The sight of a bald
eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man,
however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
Bear bells provide
an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is
getting them on the bears.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a
parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
Unknown Author
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| Three old men are sittin' in their kayaks
fishing a cove on a quiet sunday mornin' when a funeral procession drives
by. One of the old men takes off his hat & puts it over his heart. The
procession winds its way around the cove and dissapears over a hill. The
old man puts his hat back on and continues fishing. One of the other old
timers sez "Geeze Ed that was a thoughtful thing to do." Ed replies "It
was the least I could do after 49 years of marriage."
Unknown Author
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Top 10 advantages of a
heavy kayak:
10 - You're spouse never has to
worry about you kayaking alone because you'll need a friend to get the
kayak to the water
9 - In reference to #10, you'll
find out fast who your real friends are
8 - Gravity is on your side when
heading down river
7 - Icebergs will part from your
path at the first site of your yak
6 - You can create wakes for other
kayaks to surf on
5 - You get the right-of-way in
shipping lanes
4 - Gun turrets on deck are
allowed
3 - Cool retracting portage
wheels
2 - It separates the men from the
boys
1 - Finally an excuse to get a 3/4
ton pickup
Submitted by
Roger Nuffer. Thanks
Roger!
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US Navy Oath of
Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of
going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United
States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually
having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was
too"corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"I
promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my
name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that
I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for
Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language
than the rest of the English-speaking world. using words like "deck,
bulkhead, cover, and head"instead of "floor, all, hat, and toilet." I will
take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia,
and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the
other services and make absolutey no sense whatsoever. I will muster
(whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with
the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone
my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a
kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a
drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice
per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to
submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my
new-found "colleagues."
So help me
Neptune.
Ron Vaughn
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| Even today, the Eskimo displays very little
gustatory qualm. Near Fort Chimo, Quebec, I was offered a snack of, I
thought, crowberries. One taste told me the truth. They weren't
crowberries, but caribou droppings cooked in seal fat. I declined any
more. The man who offered them to me shrugged and continued to pop them
into his mouth like salted peanuts. - from the introduction to "A Kayak
Full of Ghosts
Eskimo Tales", gathered and retold by Lawrence
Milman ISBN 0-88496-267-9
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| The word "racecar" and "kayak" are the same
whether they are read left to right or right to left.
|
| In Michigan a man is being prosecuted for
using f-word profanities in a public place under a 102-year-old law that
makes it a misdemeanor to curse in the presence of women or children. The
crime took place on a river where many kayak, raft and canoe. The man fell
out of a canoe causing him to break the law. After complaints of past bad
behavior local officials decided to take action against partying on the
river. As his defense the man is claiming freedom of speech. The parents
of the children present were concerned that their children would hear the
various profanities. So who is to blame? Both the man and the parents. The
parents must have known the area was a party place and should have
considered the type of people that they would encounter. The man could
have the decency to refrain from swearing in public. However if the
parents would have fallen out of their canoe they too might have used
profanities. Using the F-word in a public place is not the same as using
it in a movie or on the web because people don't have a choice to turn it
off. It shouldn't be protected under the First Amendment but common sense
should prevail and not charge someone for using profanities when something
disturbing happens to them like falling into a cold river. The judge
should throw the case out because it is a f-ing joke.
Scotty Kowall |
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My
101 Uses of Duct Tape
anonymous
1. Patch a ripped bike seat.
2. Keeping
action figures in place for animation films.
3. Holding calculators
together.
4. Wrapping a present.
5. Repairing pens.
6. Patching
sofa holes.
7. Holding broken brake light covers together.
8.
Putting up posters.
9. Holding batteries in place.
10. Take lint off
of your clothes.
11. Holding a broken window together.
12. Holding
your pant legs up to keep from dragging.
13. Taping headphones.
14.
Gray wallpaper.
15. Book-cover.
16. Holding eyeglasses
together.
17. Securing extension cords to a wall.
18. Making burley
tape balls.
19. Fixing brakes on bikes.
20. Making a wallet.
21.
Hold your shoe soles together.
22. Patch a vacuum hose.
23. Holding
a 3 ½ floppy disk together.
24. Holding a spoon together.
25. Grip
on a baseball bat.
26. Holding a hammer together.
27. Patch a flat
tire.
28. Hold a disco ball up on the ceiling.
29. Dredd your hair
with it.
30. Dumbbell grips.
31. Reattach a lawn mower blade.
32.
Patching skiing gloves.
33. Sealing cracks on a ski boot.
34.
Putting racing stripes on a car.
35. Holding broken door handles
together.
36. Sealing a phone cord.
37. Connecting stereo
wires.
38. Patching tarps.
39. Holding two ends of rope
together.
40. Bonding Lego sets together.
41. Covering keyboard keys
for memorization training.
42. Holding adjustable hat’s adjusters
together.
43. Holding ski pole loops together.
44. Attaching parts
to a model.
45. Holding a dryer’s door shut while drying shoes.
46.
Patching holes in T-shirts.
47. Holding folding chairs back’s
on.
48. Holding deodorant caps on for traveling.
49. Holding
backpacks together.
50. Patching Tupperware containers.
51. Holding
bike frames together.
52. Use as a substitute for an Ace Bandage.
53. Stopping tips of shoelaces from fraying.
54. Patching snow
tubes.
55. Holding ripped board game boards together.
56. Coloring a
PC mouse.
57. Linking dog leashes.
58. Patching canoes
hull’s.
59. Holding old newspaper stacks for removal to the recycling
center.
60. Patching sleeping bags.
61. Abstract art.
62. Holding
cd’s together.
63. Patching a hole in your spacesuit. (don’t
ask)
64. Holding a rollercoaster together.
65. Patching a cracked
fish tank.
66. Making arrows on MTB trails.
67. Making
rockets.
68. Holding a button down that keeps popping up.
69. Taping
your feet to the pedals on your bike for one of those days.
70. Holding
"Christmas Tree" lights around your room.
71. Marking the 5’10" line in
darts.
72. Use as a sticky thing on the end of a stick to pull
something out of a gutter.
73. Patching drum sets.
74. Insulation
for your house.
75. Reconnecting a golf club.
76. Marking your
tools when taking them to work at some odd place.
77. Pulling paint
off of your walls or outside of your house.
78. Coating things you do
not want paint on.
79. Patching a hole in a bucket.
80. Pulling lots
of tiny thorns out of your leg.
81. Holding a really stuffed suitcase
together.
82. Making a makeshift cup.
83. Holding two straws
together for a dual spit-ball gun.
84. Handle grips for your
bike.
85. Holding a kayak on top of your car.
86. Coating a time
capsule.
87. Keeping the sides on a yo-yo.
88. Posting notes on your
microwave or door.
89. Holding props up in a play.
90. Holding a
broken laundry basket together.
91. Holding a toe clip on your
pedal.
92. Making your room into a padded asylum room.
93. Mending a
sail on a boat.
94. Making a knife sheath.
95. Connecting shopping
carts together to make the retrievers really mad.
96. Converting your
rear poked wheel into an aerodynamic wheel.
97. Making body armor for
downhill bike racing or skiing.
98. Making boats with for science
class.
99. Replacement for nail polish.
100. Making a great hat for
the beach.
101. Making really really really annoying mouths become
silent.
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HERE!
Submit to kayak@dbeweb.com |
