Ken's Kayak Pages
Jokes & Pictures That Don't Fit Any Other Category
|These pictures were either posted by me to the
Guillemot Kayak Builders Forum, or borrowed from other kayak Web sites . .
Please email contributions to firstname.lastname@example.org
Counter viewpoints freely accepted - This is a tongue-in-cheek page with a "Big Grin." No offense is implied nor should any be taken,
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|A tribute to staple builders
everywhere, I prove once and for all that I have no prejudice against
staples in beautiful furniture grade cedar projects. As I've heard
said, "They add character."
Submitted by Spidey
|This is the image that staple
construction conjures up in my mind. In fairness, an external stem
can really improve the appearance, but this is not a true woodworker's
preferred construction technique.
Found on the Internet
|One kayak discussed on the KBBS had
a rather rounded hull and deck, so the notion of rolling it came to mind.
Submitted by Spidey
|I think it was Dean discussing
minimizing stress in kayak design that prompted this design attempt.
It was pointed out that wetted area was minimized as well.
Submitted by Spidey
|My commercial website
kicks off with an introductory offer of my "Platinum Level" large kayay
for only $100,000 postpaid. Shop at http://www.dbeweb.com/kayak/pages/spidey.html
for all your kayak needs.
|My innovation in "Simple, Yet
Elegant" hatch pulls.
Submitted by Spidey
|What's Wrong with this
Picture? My forms after 12 hours of straight work time . . . Thanks
for reminding me, Dale!
Submitted by Dale Frolander (a Spidey screw-up)
|This is an end-pour gone wrong - -
You can not use Peanut Brittle for an end-pour!
Submitted by Pete Roszyk
|When Rudi passed away, his wife
wrote his obituary praising him greatly for being such a fine husband and
father. Taking the 400 word plus tribute to the newspaper office she was
told it would cost $.50 per word with a $3 minimum......"OK," she said,
"just print ...'Rudi Anderson died, KAYAKS FOR
The Top Ten Ways The Sport Would Be Different If Microsoft Built Kayaks:
10. A particular model year of kayak
wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of
9. Every time you wanted to try a
new paddle, you would have to buy a new kayak.
8. Occasionally your kayak would
stop dead in the water for no apparent cause. No amount of paddling would
budge it. You would have to tow it back to the launch site and restart
your kayak. For some strange reason, you would simply just accept
7. Two people could not both paddle
your kayak unless you paid extra for a '95 kayak or NT kayak in which case
you would also have to buy an extra seat and expensive new
6. A sophisticated marketing blitz
would make you feel like a second-rate tasteless slacker for failing to
upgrade your kayak. OOPS -- wait a minute -- that's ALREADY
5. Sun Microsystem would make a
kayak with 70% less hull drag, half the weight, watertight in all
conditions and twice as stable. Unfortunately, it could be used on only 5%
of the existing rivers.
4.Your Microsoft kayak's compass,
weather radio, and sump pump would be replaced with a single "General
Kayak Fault" warning light.
3. The enthusiast press would get
people excited about the "new" features of Microsoft kayaks, forgetting
completely that they had been available in other brands for
2. Microsoft's inconsiderable owners
manual would spawn a whole cottage industry of outsiders who would write
hundreds of books explaining how to paddle your Microsoft kayak.
Amazingly, we would buy all they printed.
1. If you wanted to go kayaking in a group with your club members or friends (known as Network Kayaking). EVERYONE in the group will have BUY special group kayaking accessories however, only one member of the group (known as the kaysysop) would have the foggiest notion of exactly what they did and no one else would be permitted operate them.
|This is a kayak joke found on the Internet, I
just can't read it . . .
Ceritenye begini, ade sepasang laki bini nyang ude berumah tangge selama lima taon, tapi belakangan ini si bini mulai kerase kalo setiap kali lakinye nyetrum selalu kagak puas, abis "anu" lakinye ude kagak oke kayak dulu lagi, letoy gitu.
|A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker
were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says,
"The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you,
and then use your skins to build a kayak. The good news is that you
get to choose how you die."|
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says,"Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your f*-ing kayak!"
|The bartender Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da
difference between a Norvegian and a kayak?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A
kayak will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
While paddling off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his kayak. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
|When using a public campground, a tuba placed
on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
|Three old men are sittin' in their kayaks
fishing a cove on a quiet sunday mornin' when a funeral procession drives
by. One of the old men takes off his hat & puts it over his heart. The
procession winds its way around the cove and dissapears over a hill. The
old man puts his hat back on and continues fishing. One of the other old
timers sez "Geeze Ed that was a thoughtful thing to do." Ed replies "It
was the least I could do after 49 years of marriage."
US Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too"corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world. using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head"instead of "floor, all, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutey no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
|Even today, the Eskimo displays very little
gustatory qualm. Near Fort Chimo, Quebec, I was offered a snack of, I
thought, crowberries. One taste told me the truth. They weren't
crowberries, but caribou droppings cooked in seal fat. I declined any
more. The man who offered them to me shrugged and continued to pop them
into his mouth like salted peanuts. - from the introduction to "A Kayak
Full of Ghosts
Eskimo Tales", gathered and retold by Lawrence Milman ISBN 0-88496-267-9
|The word "racecar" and "kayak" are the same
whether they are read left to right or right to left.
|In Michigan a man is being prosecuted for
using f-word profanities in a public place under a 102-year-old law that
makes it a misdemeanor to curse in the presence of women or children. The
crime took place on a river where many kayak, raft and canoe. The man fell
out of a canoe causing him to break the law. After complaints of past bad
behavior local officials decided to take action against partying on the
river. As his defense the man is claiming freedom of speech. The parents
of the children present were concerned that their children would hear the
various profanities. So who is to blame? Both the man and the parents. The
parents must have known the area was a party place and should have
considered the type of people that they would encounter. The man could
have the decency to refrain from swearing in public. However if the
parents would have fallen out of their canoe they too might have used
profanities. Using the F-word in a public place is not the same as using
it in a movie or on the web because people don't have a choice to turn it
off. It shouldn't be protected under the First Amendment but common sense
should prevail and not charge someone for using profanities when something
disturbing happens to them like falling into a cold river. The judge
should throw the case out because it is a f-ing joke.
My 101 Uses of Duct Tape
1. Patch a ripped bike seat.
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