Ken's Kayak Pages

Humor

Jokes & Pictures That Don't Fit Any Other Category

These pictures were either posted by me to the Guillemot Kayak Builders Forum, or borrowed from other kayak Web sites . . . Enjoy!

Please email contributions to kayak@dbeweb.com

Counter viewpoints freely accepted - This is a tongue-in-cheek page with a "Big Grin."  No offense is implied nor should any be taken,

Click on a thumbnail for a larger image

disqualified.jpg (41139 bytes) A tribute to staple builders everywhere, I prove once and for all that I have no prejudice against staples in beautiful furniture grade cedar projects.  As I've heard said, "They add character." 

Submitted by Spidey 

staples.jpg (59198 bytes) This is the image that staple construction conjures up in my mind.  In fairness, an external stem can really improve the appearance, but this is not a true woodworker's preferred construction technique.

Found on the Internet

 

Grkayak.jpg (23247 bytes) One kayak discussed on the KBBS had a rather rounded hull and deck, so the notion of rolling it came to mind.

Submitted by Spidey

stress.jpg (13808 bytes) I think it was Dean discussing minimizing stress in kayak design that prompted this design attempt.  It was pointed out that wetted area was minimized as well.

Submitted by Spidey

 

kl.jpg (2542 bytes) My commercial website kicks off with an introductory offer of my "Platinum Level" large kayay for only $100,000 postpaid.  Shop at http://www.dbeweb.com/kayak/pages/spidey.html              for all your kayak needs.

 

hatch_pull.jpg (32760 bytes) My innovation in "Simple, Yet Elegant" hatch pulls.

Submitted by Spidey

contest.jpg (16350 bytes) What's Wrong with this Picture?  My forms after 12 hours of straight work time . . . Thanks for reminding me, Dale!

Submitted by Dale Frolander (a Spidey screw-up)

endpour.jpg (16350 bytes) This is an end-pour gone wrong - - You can not use Peanut Brittle for an end-pour!

Submitted by Pete Roszyk

When Rudi passed away, his wife wrote his obituary praising him greatly for being such a fine husband and father. Taking the 400 word plus tribute to the newspaper office she was told it would cost $.50 per word with a $3 minimum......"OK," she said, "just print ...'Rudi Anderson died, KAYAKS FOR SALE.'"

Unknown Author

 

The Top Ten Ways The Sport Would Be Different If Microsoft Built Kayaks:

10. A particular model year of kayak wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

9. Every time you wanted to try a new paddle, you would have to buy a new kayak.

8. Occasionally your kayak would stop dead in the water for no apparent cause. No amount of paddling would budge it. You would have to tow it back to the launch site and restart your kayak. For some strange reason, you would simply just accept this.

7. Two people could not both paddle your kayak unless you paid extra for a '95 kayak or NT kayak in which case you would also have to buy an extra seat and expensive new charts.

6. A sophisticated marketing blitz would make you feel like a second-rate tasteless slacker for failing to upgrade your kayak. OOPS -- wait a minute -- that's ALREADY happening.

5. Sun Microsystem would make a kayak with 70% less hull drag, half the weight, watertight in all conditions and twice as stable. Unfortunately, it could be used on only 5% of the existing rivers.

4.Your Microsoft kayak's compass, weather radio, and sump pump would be replaced with a single "General Kayak Fault" warning light.

3. The enthusiast press would get people excited about the "new" features of Microsoft kayaks, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

2. Microsoft's inconsiderable owners manual would spawn a whole cottage industry of outsiders who would write hundreds of books explaining how to paddle your Microsoft kayak. Amazingly, we would buy all they printed.

1. If you wanted to go kayaking in a group with your club members or friends (known as Network Kayaking). EVERYONE in the group will have BUY special group kayaking accessories however, only one member of the group (known as the kaysysop) would have the foggiest notion of exactly what they did and no one else would be permitted operate them.

Unknown Author

 

This is a kayak joke found on the Internet, I just can't read it . . .

Ceritenye begini, ade sepasang laki bini nyang ude berumah tangge selama lima taon, tapi belakangan ini si bini mulai kerase kalo setiap kali lakinye nyetrum selalu kagak puas, abis "anu" lakinye ude kagak oke kayak dulu lagi, letoy gitu.

Unknown Author

 

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce Indian tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a kayak.   The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says,"Gimme a fork."  The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.  The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.  There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"  The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your f*-ing kayak!"

Unknown Author

 

The bartender Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a kayak?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A kayak will sometimes tip," explained Lars.

Unknown Author

 

While paddling off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his kayak. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

Unknown Author

 

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Unknown Author

 

Three old men are sittin' in their kayaks fishing a cove on a quiet sunday mornin' when a funeral procession drives by. One of the old men takes off his hat & puts it over his heart. The procession winds its way around the cove and dissapears over a hill. The old man puts his hat back on and continues fishing. One of the other old timers sez "Geeze Ed that was a thoughtful thing to do." Ed replies "It was the least I could do after 49 years of marriage."

Unknown Author

 

Top 10 advantages of a heavy kayak:

10 - You're spouse never has to worry about you kayaking alone because you'll need a friend to get the kayak to the water 

9 - In reference to #10, you'll find out fast who your real friends are 

8 - Gravity is on your side when heading down river

7 - Icebergs will part from your path at the first site of your yak 

6 - You can create wakes for other kayaks to surf on 

5 - You get the right-of-way in shipping lanes  

4 - Gun turrets on deck are allowed 

3 - Cool retracting portage wheels 

2 - It separates the men from the boys 

1 - Finally an excuse to get a 3/4 ton pickup

Submitted by Roger Nuffer.   Thanks Roger!

 

US Navy Oath of Enlistment

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too"corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world. using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head"instead of "floor, all, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutey no sense whatsoever. I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

So help me Neptune.

Ron Vaughn

Even today, the Eskimo displays very little gustatory qualm. Near Fort Chimo, Quebec, I was offered a snack of, I thought, crowberries. One taste told me the truth. They weren't crowberries, but caribou droppings cooked in seal fat. I declined any more. The man who offered them to me shrugged and continued to pop them into his mouth like salted peanuts. - from the introduction to "A Kayak Full of Ghosts

Eskimo Tales", gathered and retold by Lawrence Milman ISBN 0-88496-267-9

 

The word "racecar" and "kayak" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.

 

In Michigan a man is being prosecuted for using f-word profanities in a public place under a 102-year-old law that makes it a misdemeanor to curse in the presence of women or children. The crime took place on a river where many kayak, raft and canoe. The man fell out of a canoe causing him to break the law. After complaints of past bad behavior local officials decided to take action against partying on the river. As his defense the man is claiming freedom of speech. The parents of the children present were concerned that their children would hear the various profanities. So who is to blame? Both the man and the parents. The parents must have known the area was a party place and should have considered the type of people that they would encounter. The man could have the decency to refrain from swearing in public. However if the parents would have fallen out of their canoe they too might have used profanities. Using the F-word in a public place is not the same as using it in a movie or on the web because people don't have a choice to turn it off. It shouldn't be protected under the First Amendment but common sense should prevail and not charge someone for using profanities when something disturbing happens to them like falling into a cold river. The judge should throw the case out because it is a f-ing joke.

Scotty Kowall

 

My 101 Uses of Duct Tape

anonymous

1. Patch a ripped bike seat.
2. Keeping action figures in place for animation films.
3. Holding calculators together.
4. Wrapping a present.
5. Repairing pens.
6. Patching sofa holes.
7. Holding broken brake light covers together.
8. Putting up posters.
9. Holding batteries in place.
10. Take lint off of your clothes.
11. Holding a broken window together.
12. Holding your pant legs up to keep from dragging.
13. Taping headphones.
14. Gray wallpaper.
15. Book-cover.
16. Holding eyeglasses together.
17. Securing extension cords to a wall.
18. Making burley tape balls.
19. Fixing brakes on bikes.
20. Making a wallet.
21. Hold your shoe soles together.
22. Patch a vacuum hose.
23. Holding a 3 Ĺ floppy disk together.
24. Holding a spoon together.
25. Grip on a baseball bat.
26. Holding a hammer together.
27. Patch a flat tire.
28. Hold a disco ball up on the ceiling.
29. Dredd your hair with it.
30. Dumbbell grips.
31. Reattach a lawn mower blade.
32. Patching skiing gloves.
33. Sealing cracks on a ski boot.
34. Putting racing stripes on a car.
35. Holding broken door handles together.
36. Sealing a phone cord.
37. Connecting stereo wires.
38. Patching tarps.
39. Holding two ends of rope together.
40. Bonding Lego sets together.
41. Covering keyboard keys for memorization training.
42. Holding adjustable hatís adjusters together.
43. Holding ski pole loops together.
44. Attaching parts to a model.
45. Holding a dryerís door shut while drying shoes.
46. Patching holes in T-shirts.
47. Holding folding chairs backís on.
48. Holding deodorant caps on for traveling.
49. Holding backpacks together.
50. Patching Tupperware containers.
51. Holding bike frames together.
52. Use as a substitute for an Ace Bandage.
53. Stopping tips of shoelaces from fraying.
54. Patching snow tubes.
55. Holding ripped board game boards together.
56. Coloring a PC mouse.
57. Linking dog leashes.
58. Patching canoes hullís.
59. Holding old newspaper stacks for removal to the recycling center.
60. Patching sleeping bags.
61. Abstract art.
62. Holding cdís together.
63. Patching a hole in your spacesuit. (donít ask)
64. Holding a rollercoaster together.
65. Patching a cracked fish tank.
66. Making arrows on MTB trails.
67. Making rockets.
68. Holding a button down that keeps popping up.
69. Taping your feet to the pedals on your bike for one of those days.
70. Holding "Christmas Tree" lights around your room.
71. Marking the 5í10" line in darts.
72. Use as a sticky thing on the end of a stick to pull something out of a gutter.
73. Patching drum sets.
74. Insulation for your house.
75. Reconnecting a golf club.
76. Marking your tools when taking them to work at some odd place.
77. Pulling paint off of your walls or outside of your house.
78. Coating things you do not want paint on.
79. Patching a hole in a bucket.
80. Pulling lots of tiny thorns out of your leg.
81. Holding a really stuffed suitcase together.
82. Making a makeshift cup.
83. Holding two straws together for a dual spit-ball gun.
84. Handle grips for your bike.
85. Holding a kayak on top of your car.
86. Coating a time capsule.
87. Keeping the sides on a yo-yo.
88. Posting notes on your microwave or door.
89. Holding props up in a play.
90. Holding a broken laundry basket together.
91. Holding a toe clip on your pedal.
92. Making your room into a padded asylum room.
93. Mending a sail on a boat.
94. Making a knife sheath.
95. Connecting shopping carts together to make the retrievers really mad.
96. Converting your rear poked wheel into an aerodynamic wheel.
97. Making body armor for downhill bike racing or skiing.
98. Making boats with for science class.
99. Replacement for nail polish.
100. Making a great hat for the beach.
101. Making really really really annoying mouths become silent.


YOUR JOKE OR PICTURE HERE!

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